Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Them Nobel Fellas

(I had written this ages ago. Found it lying idle and posted it thus. :| )

The beloved pet dogs of every house begins to play hide and seek, with more of the hide part underneath the bed, as the rich nooks and corners of the country light (and sound) up in expensive fireworks. The news, for which we were waiting ever since independence, behaving like a scorned lover ever since Gandhi was given a miss and only simmering a bit when Mother Teresa received the prize, has finally come. The Norwegian Nobel Committee has finally decided to give the Nobel Peace Prize collectively to some Indian celebrities. I browsed through the list through my tear bedimmed eyes. With patriotism brimming, I saluted the recipients. They were:

Rabri Devi: Awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the rest for maximum development in Bihar, for the first work in total development is deconstruction of what existed, to be built anew, and she has done the part of deconstruction mighty well. Award given also for having the stamina to be the power-wife in a male dominated society. Early 2009 data suggests that she is the proud owner of 60 holy cows and 36 calves (by now they may have proliferated their brood) and thus is a symbol of hope to all the farmers of India- join politics and there’s no more the need for gulping all the pesticides. Her indefatigable spirit is marked by her continuation of whatever she does and did even though the mean citizens and judiciary all conspired against her and filed corruption charges. But she rose from the ashes during each low and proved her might by continuing to be exactly as she was. She not only gives hope to the farmers but is a great source of impetus for people who do not find mere embezzlement of money a corrupt deed. All hail.

Rakhi Sawant: Given the Noble Peace Prize for being able to retain the traditional Indian culture amidst this kali age of social mayhem, thus giving hope to people who fear that doomsday of tradition has arrived. She has got engaged in the traditional form of Swayamvar and got pretty pretty men to woo her. This also is a victory of feminism or female chauvinism or whatever it is called. She is also the ‘Bharatiya Nari’ who is so committed to her social work that for the sake of public exposure, she is on television 24*7. Oh dear, the pain she takes to tame us ruthless destroyers of social norms. She’s the mother goddess who shall save the straying Indians and place them back on the traditional bandwagon. Bless her holy pure heart. A peace prize has been announced for her, which shall be telecast along with her every time she’s on screen. That will give an extra fillip to the unruly Indian public so that they behave more traditionally from the next time.

Mayavati: Women empowerment personified, she has brought back the ancient culture of creating portraits and statues for self aggrandisement. Her workmanship spirit is marked by the presence of a small bag being held by her in every statue. She gives more importance to ideological empowerment than mere economic progress and has thus spent around Rs 2000 crore to built statues of the mighty lady herself, and a few others to uplift the spirit of the downtrodden. Like Rabri Devi she has given hope to many that behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining, which may incidentally be Indian politics. The statues and gardens 400 years later shall become what Taj Mahal has become to us. Many cynics criticise her but one must not forget that she has given hope, apart from the fact that she has created a few more parks for the lovers, a few more statues for the crows to whitewash away to glory and a few more monuments that our descendants shall look up to in amazement, wondering what was going on.

Varun Gandhi: he managed to go the ground breaking way. Such vehement claims of protecting one’s people hardly come by. He was the self-proclaimed messiah of the Pilibhit people. Proving to be an all time macho man, he claimed to slice off all hands that would rise against his people, true Rajnikanth style. He is the great hero, the angry young man who can only be mellowed by Ma. Peace prize goes to him for proclaiming to protect his people from all handy evil, as well as for giving hope, with all his aggression, that ‘yes he can’ achieve what he has proclaimed.

Rajnikanth: It’s a man! It’s a superhero! No, it’s Rajnikanth! To the man who can beat a thousand villains blue with just a single wink, he isn’t merely the macho man. He’s almost superhuman. Rajnikanth does not have a fanfare. He is a religion and his fans are the worshippers. His golden hair in the movie Shivaji might have been one of the most absurd fashion faux pas in filmy history, but then, whatever he touches becomes a cult, even if it’s a blonde wig. Rajnikanth religion transcends class division. Both the haves and the have nots worship him with equal fervour. To them, he is the Absolute, his dialogues their gospel. He had definitely deserved a Nobel for his effortless triumph at class assimilation, and he got it.

Palaniappan Chidambaram: Nobel Prize given strictly for good reflex action and presence of mind. As the Great Boot of Jarnail Singh was being passionately hurled towards him with Indian precision, he smiled. He dodged his head in a calm manner like when a person grooves to good music, while the boot passed like a lost comet. And he smiled. As Jarnail Singh’s fierce eyes were attempting to pierce him, he smiled. As the reporter was being taken out of the room, he asked people to hand him gently, and he smiled. Also, Obama smiles and he got the Award. So P. Chidambaram has been given the award too. Probably also given for having one of the least corrupt images in desi politics.

Uma Bharti: Her conviction towards doing what she aims at is commendable. Like Obama has immortalised the words ‘yes we can’, similarly her ‘ek dhakka aur do’ (give it one more push) won the hearts of hundreds of workers who gleefully pulled down the Babri Masjid, and with it went down religious syncretism, security and a big chunk of beautifully carved history. But then who cares about that. The mighty woman is known for her fiery antics in parliament to give more ‘dhakka’ for the support of her causes. Ah! Where would one find such energy, spirit and such immense lack of lethargy amidst the pantheon of the holy Indian politicians? She gets the Nobel Peace Prize for hope- for the hope that she can retire in peace, satisfied with an award, without making further hullabaloo with her Babri Masjid stunt and the likes. A percentage of the prize may be shared with other bigger leaders Who Must Not Be Named, who were stupid enough to demolish something that was integral to India.

Amar Singh: Prize for being the First friend to the First Family of Bollywood. His dedication towards his friends makes him take painstaking efforts to tolerate all the award functions of the Filmy parivaar. He is the bridge between the real and the reel world and is the ideal exemplar of the ideal friend. Amitabh Bachchan is one lucky man. And now he has unleashed a greater zeal for filmy stuff, showing his acting skills in movies and being bereft of his party folks for good.

Himesh Reshammiya: The proverbial last but not the least; He gets the Nobel for discovering other activities of the nose that we folks of the world were blissfully unaware of. The only works of the nose other than smelling, to us ignorant lay people, were nose digging (which by the way is a subtle art very few could master, or appreciate in public), nose blowing (with lots of sound, and then using the same kerchief for more than a day till every cursed neighbour is compelled to have the same disease), snoring and being nosey for the sake of following the principle of know thy neighbour. But this man could make The Nose sing. Alright, so some people can blow their nose rather tunefully but he actually can make full songs out of it. How did he do it? It’s complicated. Since discovering the nose does not fall under any proper category, he has been placated with a Peace Prize.

And so I come to the end of the list, Kudos to the Audacity of Hope.


Lost within myself said...

your most researched post so far! a pretty serious one at that! You have potential in politics! :P

Arjun said...

I demand a Nobel Prize for Peace.

Mukul said...

Loved your blog can't agree to it more.. You have got the very right words for the right people !! Kuddos yaar