Friday, 9 October 2009

I want a Nobel Prize too.

Okay, let’s be pretty direct. I have slogged hard in this life. Mother says that I had to be given the oxygen the moment I was born so life has been tough for me from Day One. And I demand a Nobel Prize. I have done a lot for the society so I should be given one ASAP (as soon as possible)

1. Soon I’ll be roaring away to twenty (I am almost midway) and I have not puffed the cigarettes even once in my life. A normal addict puffs away to glory minimum 10 per day (according to my father’s statistics) and thus suppose I had started at the age of 15, I would be consuming roughly 365*4*10 cigarettes which amounts to 14600 cigarettes. That equals to 14 mg PM (2.5) emitted per cigarette. Which is 14600*14=204400 mg PM (2.5) so basically I have freed the environment of this big a shit. (Don’t say that buying ciggies would have helped the industry as for the Wise, environment is a bigger issue. Huh)

2. I have given emphasis on Orkutting and the likes, and studies equally (well, almost. Never mind) which is a very very difficult thing to do.

3. I am very thin and therefore people who want to be thin, after seeing me, have started admiring their bulges (well, again, almost)

4. I have resorted to blogging and thus have saved the use of paper. I also communicate with my lovers through emails and scraps instead of wasting paper by writing love letters. Saving trees this way. Also I don’t use pigeons as messengers. Yahoo does the job. See how good I am.

5. I don’t screech or scream and call my forefathers at the sight of lizards, cockroaches etc. I follow the policy of live and let live, lizards find my desk a safe haven. A peace prize for this definitely.

6. I attend all my honours classes in college and bunk most of the pass course classes, thus maintaining a very neat balance. Most people bunk both. Also I managed to be in the good books of the teachers at my school most of the time even though we bluffed to escape in between classes to catch a movie, first day second show. A prize for diplomatic negotiation for this one, shared by my diplomatic compatriots.

7. I also watch movies like Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon and Bewafaa (Google it if you have not heard of these masterpieces) and I can even recall songs and dialogues from these movies a bit. This shows my level of tolerance. Should be awarded for this definitely.

8. I don’t go out of my house much nowadays and therefore that cuts short my travel costs. Thus I am also participating in the Great Austerity Drive with more success than the peeps who are trying to perch on the cattle… err… whatever.

9. I write blogs so that if you have a particular enemy in mind you can tell the bloke to read my blog. The poor soul shall be bored to death and you won’t have to get into the murky deeds of real killing after all, thus preventing crime.

10. Since Barrack Obama got the Nobel peace prize, with my heartiest congratulations to him, us rest folks can happily say “yes we can” too. (By the way, Obama is mind numbingly handsome. HAD to say this.)


P.S: this does not have any political connotation. (my school gang will understand this part :P)

P.P.S: I won't accept any criticism to this post. I want the Nobel. I want it I want it I want it.

21 comments:

Ipsita Shome said...

Next Chetan Bhagat will get a Nobel Prize.....then I will claim one too

olive oyl said...

you can claim one right now. yes we can. the time has come.

Caveman said...

Yes you can!

Yup, i second the motion. Nobel prize for 'rib-tickling humour’ that has class written all over it :D

Move over Woody, there’s competition in da house!

z said...

hi!

chanced upon your blog. i'm wary of blogs. random people, random outpourings.

but, your posts are interesting. short and interesting. went through all on the first page.

wish you well in life. i hope you turn out to be a PYT yourself, and an intelligent one too!

good luck!

olive oyl said...

@caveman. thank you. i'll give you 1% of the prize money :p

@ z: thank you :)

Lost within myself said...

well...satire is good, healthy...and now I am sure who is your fav author :D
You are showing signs of being a column writer u know? :| catching the latest happening thing and turning it to an enjoyable read.
keep up the good satires :|

olive oyl said...

who's my fav author? i have abandoned reading, apart from the newspaper. :| seriously.

The Quotidian: said...

Here's our very own P.G.Wodehouse. :)

olive oyl said...

@ quotidian: no way :|

Caveman said...

hey, hey, hey... if you're making a deal, i'll settle for nothing less than 1.4655436679% of the prize money!

olive oyl said...

1.000000002% not more. or else you get nothing. deal or no deal?

Sohini said...

I loved reading it ....
it was funny :)
and hey nice pic :)

sayan bhadra said...

very nicely written :) i m sure u ll get better...u shd srsly take up writing articles for papers and all that just reduce the no of slang terms that u use ....they tend to be distractors at times from what u r trying to write.
i m impressed

Krishanu said...

Hi ... I dont know how I came accross your blog ... I was probably looking for something else and I landed here... But after reading the posts, I found out one big thing... YOU have a wonder command over the language that you are currently using ... keep it up... I hope that you have the same command over your mother tongue as well.. I have a blog, but it is for professional use, and is based on USA financial themes... so, I guess it would not be of interest to you, so I prefer not to give you the URL. If you want to send me a reply, please send me in my mail id at krishanudutta84@gmail.com ... And yes, by now , it must have become obvious to you that, My name is Krishanu Dutta , born in 1984, so ideally, I am 25 years of age... bye for now...

olive oyl said...

@ sayan: will keep that in mind. also will redirect my passion for slangs towards you, how about it? ;) nice to see you drop by. :)

Arun said...

You definitely deserve one for sitting through those movies, you do, you do!

wishes galore said...

"Yes You can!!":))
loved reading it..
btw, I also fill almost all the criteria especially the first 5, that means we are in competition, lol or we CAN get a jont Nobel Prize:))

nice blog!!

skinny.olive said...

@ arun: i can add more to the list of those type of movies :p

@wishes: okay i don't mind sharing :p

mydaysinlife said...

u write so well. wy dont u write on a specific topic?!

Jaya said...

liked reading it ...keep it up :)..and forget about grammer and all that ..sometimes good and interesting post is all that matters ,BTW you write pretty well(read in Bold)
very interesting!!
let me tell you one thing ...i usually dont stop for more than 1 mint in a place ..you are making me come back and read more here ..
I am going to talk about you in my small place soon ,if it's OK with you ....
hugs and smiles

olive oyl said...

@ mydays: someday i will if i can think of anything :)

@ jaya: thanks! that was really encouraging. :)